“Dreaming of You”
sometimes I see you in my dreams and we are laughing together softly at something I could not quite make out. sometimes I remember that you are no longer here with me and I wish I could make the dreams longer. sometimes in these dreams you are crying over a person that never deserved you and I am trying my best to comfort you, but I never do quite get that part right. sometimes I realize I am dreaming and I try my hardest to show you the world how I see it. sometimes you laugh at this and tell me the world is a much crueler place than I think. sometimes you tell me the beauty in the world is stolen away by madness and lies.
sometimes when I am dreaming of you, I remember you are gone and I am still here. sometimes I realize you must have been right.
sometimes this cruel world takes the beautiful things away from us.
i have spent my entire life looking over my shoulder.
waiting for the sharp stab of a knife in the back.
waiting for the tight grip of a hand on my waist that refuses to let go.
scared to let people close.
scared of voices spoken too loud, of words spoken too harshly.
but i am not afraid of you.
the fear in my eyes is reflected back when i look at you.
you offer deeply hidden parts, quiet and soft
and i feel the held breath
the shaking hands
the tensed shoulders
that have haunted me for years.
for the first time, i’m understood without judgement.
we know what it’s like to fear betrayal and rejection.
we are the same; broken, hurt, paranoid of the world around us.
twin flames surrounded by harsh winds and heavy rain.
protecting each other as best we can
and hoping beyond hope we aren’t the reason the other falls.
and despite all your hatred
i am still learning to love myself
and all the scars that make me up
“a silent universe”
my lungs have screamed a million times
air escaping in a desperate cry for help
my hands have grasped at straws in the dark
clung to every inch of loose sanity they could find
my legs have run from strangers, run from demons
run from the pain inside my own chest and hoped for escape
my heart has ached for a girl who only wanted answers
for a teenager begging for someone to show her how to heal herself
and when my lungs gasped for air, when my arms reached out desperately
when my legs collapsed in pain, when my soul shattered and cried out into the night
the universe answered with silence; a destructive noise that broke me down and re-birthed me
you are a hot summer’s eve
i am a cold winter’s morning
i am begging you
to melt me down
til i feel nothing
but the sweet pain
of your touch